What the H*ll was I Thinking? The Diary of a 40 Year Old Woman Moving Home with Her Mother

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Day 2065…

I knew moving back home wouldn’t be easy. When my sister and I were young and began “smelling” ourselves as she put it, my mom never missed an opportunity to remind us that “two women can’t live in the same house” and during my first few months under her roof, although it was never specifically said, she absolutely confirmed her theory. For years, my mom and I have had an abrasive relationship because much like me, she knows damn near everything, is hardly ever wrong and will stand on the shoulders of her opinion until its knees buckle.

Fortunately, between my fear of losing and the love we have for each other, we have managed to keep from turning her living room into a WWE ring with the boys standing in as refs. As bad as I want to leave, my mom is equally ready to be free of her potty mouth, nitpicking, moody daughter and her too big for the sofa and love seat , eat you out of house and home grandsons. But until I sign on the dotted line and hear the words, “congratulations, you are now a homeowner”, or that “Knight in Shining Armor” rides in on his horse, (which probably won’t happen because Knights don’t frequent the hood), we co-exist and she feeds us.

Now on to the current issue. I mentioned in my first entry that my mom lives in World Famous Hollis, Queens where during the warmer months there is rarely a dull moment. “In The Chair” barbershop, a local staple in the community, is usually packed Thursday to Sunday, “192” park is full from sun up till sun down all summer and there isn’t an empty “stoop” from 205th to 198th street until October. Although there were some “guns a blazing” last night, the crime in the area is moderately low by comparison but the drama from the neighborhood fixtures, just like it was in the 90’s, is as high as the new Freedom Tower.

Between work, school and being somewhat disinterested, I haven’t had too many opportunities to sit on the porch, have a drink, maybe a burger from the grill in the front yard, yes the front yard and chat with the neighbors which use to be the routine. Well today, I was reminded of one of the reasons I moved out of the area 21 years ago and maintained an “it’s nice to visit but I wouldn’t wanna live there” mentality. What the hell was I thinking?

Most of the natives would agree there was no shortage of drama growing up in Hollis. The drama almost always involved what we referred to as “he said, she said,” which was usually about 10% truth, 90% lies and was always 100% over-exaggerated, solely for shock value. Amongst teenage girls, this was and probably still is common but amongst adults with adult sons and daughters, this behavior is utterly ridiculous.

I was stunned to hear of the many reasons for my return and frankly I was disgusted. Most of you will stress the importance of ignoring all the negativity and I agree, but because I’m human and I do have feelings and have been known to be super emotional, I was ready to grab a megaphone like Kenya Moore on the RHOA Reunion show, stand on the top of the stairs in front of the building and give all the card playing, Budweiser drinking, trash talking, rumor starting gossipers, a piece of my mind but I quickly came to my senses. For one, I’d look pretty foolish using a megaphone and more importantly, I’m a bit of a punk without shame.

When I made the decision to return, I knew the local newsmonger’s would have a field day because growing up, I wasn’t always the most pleasant person to be around which is obviously no longer the case, but the stories that have been concocted are without merit and have my move related to everything just short of me being a devil worshiper.

Now don’t get me wrong, I get it, people talk about things that don’t necessarily concern them and like most others, I am not without sin. However, to set out to start nasty, dirty rumors that contain no truth, just for sport is unfathomable, unnecessary and downright low and unless the common goal is to remain swamped in negativity, these tale-bearer, quidnunc, yenta’s need to find something better to do that could be more rewarding than doing a bunch of nothing.

I’m almost sure the answer is no, but I can’t help but wonder, if I hadn’t moved off “the block” would I be an expert at Spades or Bid Whist? Would I have a beer belly and the ability to tell someone’s entire life story, past, present and future by observing their wardrobe daily and holding an occasional conversation? Would I find pleasure in dragging someone’s name through the mud after borrowing sugar for my coffee and an egg for my roll? If I stay too long, will I contract “Gossipitis” or some other illness that may render me unproductive, complacent or positivity deficient? Mmmm, I wonder? Only time will tell.

Day 2089…

So after the Spade tournament was over and a case of Budweiser was finished, I…

What the H*ll Was I Thinking? – The Diary of a 40 Year Old Moving Back Home With Her Mother

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Day 2056 (at least that’s how it feels)

Last year, I had an epiphany and after paying rent for 20 years with absolutely nothing to show for it, I decided it was time to take the steps needed to purchase a home. So in July I made the decision to give up my rental apartment in Queens Village North to move in with my 72 year old feisty, fussy, bingo playing, church going, will do anything for her offspring mom temporarily in Hollis, Queens. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I also knew that paying rent and trying to save money with one salary is damn near impossible in today’s economy so I packed up the kids, gave away all of my furniture and headed to “the hood.”

Between the unpacking and keeping busy with my then 6 month pregnant cousin, the reality of my rash decision hadn’t set in. It wasn’t until week 2 did I come to the realization that “Knights in Shining Armor” don’t come to the hood (see Single in a Relationship) but I’ll elaborate on that in a later entry. I remember sitting on the edge of the bunk bed, yes bunk bed, in the bedroom I shared with my sister as a child and that reality hit me like not one but two tons of bricks, rocks, boulders and anything else that might cause bodily harm.

After about 5 seconds of considering going back into a rental or drowning myself in a lake and about an hour of wallowing in my own self pity, I convinced myself that sacrifice is necessary when working towards a goal and that my decision was the right one but this feeling was short lived. So here I am, no place of my own, no furniture when I find a place, I’m in the “little room” that the boys graciously offered me, and they’re on a couch on either side of the living room and I say to myself, “What the Hell was I Thinking.”

Day 2065…

“Single in a Relationship” 7 Signs You’re Going at it Alone

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For most, the need for some good old-fashioned companionship is normal. Some of us are pretty lucky in finding love, but for others, the process can be a strenuous one. For the super picky folk, finding love can be heart wrenching and sometimes mind-boggling. However, the stress of it all is typically short-lived and/or completely erased from memory once that special someone is identified. In the beginning, you do everything together in an effort to build the relationship and strengthen the bond and in many cases, the efforts pay off. When speaking about the future, you no longer use I, you instead use us. You plan for the future together, you are more considerate than you’ve ever been and eventually the two of you can’t imagine your lives without the other.

As time passes, as with every relationship, you have your ups and downs but nothing major. You fuss, argue, agree to disagree and move on; but then something changes. Neither of you has expressed the desire to leave the other but the changes, although you’re not sure what they are, are obvious. Only one of you appears to show up regularly while the other has attendance issues that would warrant termination from any job. There’s always an explanation which sounds reasonable but doesn’t really explain the change in your dynamics.

Being alone or without that special someone to call your own is one thing but not having clarity about your partneship is by far worse. If you’re not fully convinced on where your “Current Situation” is headed or recently changed your relationship status on Facebook to “It’s Complicated” here are 7 Signs you are “Single in a Relationship and Going at it Alone.”

1) If time apart is in excess of 2 weeks and you’re the only one that sees this as a problem, you’re probably “Single in a Relationship.”

2) If things like exercise (which is important) and surfing the web are higher on the priority list than you…

3) You once had the most amazing sex ever but now you find yourself singing “I Aint Too Proud to Beg”, you’re probably just single. See 7 Signs He’s Just Not That Into You!

4) If you make plans and they always seem to fall through and often without a formal cancellation, chances are this status applies to you. See 7 Signs “He’s…

5) You find yourself doing all the things you used to love doing together like going to the movies, dinner and shows alone, ummm…

6) If the people closest to you classify you as single and ask questions like “will you ever date again?”, I’m guessing you’re going at it alone.

And finally…

7) If you’ve found yourself alone when faced with adversity and your partner has every excuse in the book as to why he or she has been physically and emotionally unavailable, you are definitely “Single in a Relationship.”

So what do you do?

Read my next post titled:

“Moving On. Easier Said Than Done!”

Dear Self-Esteem

Dear Self-Esteem,

It’s been a while since you abandoned me, probably a few years now.  Since then, I have accepted things I would not have accepted under normal circumstances and have done foolish things to compromise our relationship, things I am not proud of. For starters, I have welcomed people into the audience of my life, allowing these rowdy attendees to occupy the best seats in the house and disrupt the entire show.  I have allowed these VIP ticket holders to use and mistreat me, take without giving, constantly disrespect me all while going about their normal day without appreciating the person I am.

I have permitted myself to turn a blind eye to things that should never be ignored even when they were right in front of me.  I have told lies and stretched the truth out of fear of being exposed and have discounted the concerns of others just to save face.  I cry at night even when I’m not alone and refuse to call a friend out of an unwarranted fear I may be judged.  I indulge in borderline reckless behavior, misplace my anger and I no longer command my respect all since you walked out on me.

It took me some time to realize you were gone because I have always taken you for granted and for that I apologize.  I now realize the significance of you occupying the seat that is front row center in the theatre that is my life and I am pleading for your return.  If you come back to me, I promise to respect myself, do what is best for me, no longer depend on anyone else for my happiness and I will never doubt my worth.  If you come back, I will return to the strong, determined, happy and sometimes stubborn individual, my parents raised me to be.  Lastly and most importantly, if you come back, I vow to never let you leave again because without you, there is no me.

Sincerely Yours,

Former Loser/Future Winner

P.S.  Your return today would be nice!

7 Signs “He’s Just Not That Into You”

Women are infamously known for turning a blind eye to the signs that clearly point to “He’s Just Not That Into You.” So as previously promised and as a service to my fellow “suckers for love”, below are just 7 of the telltale signs that it maybe time to rethink the dynamics of your current relationship or current situation.

1 – If he makes little to no effort to spend any quality time with you, uses work as an excuse and once a month is plenty for him, he’s probably not that into you.

2 – If all your calls to him for a week go straight to voicemail but when you call from an alternate number it rings like the Liberty Bell, he’s probably not that into you. The moment you realize you’ve been blocked…priceless!

3 – If you question why the pink toothbrush that doesn’t belong to you is in the toothbrush holder on the sink, he responds “why are you in my business”, ladies, he’s probably not that into you.

4 – If he says things like, ”it’s not you baby, it’s me” and ”you deserve better” the day after he’s a no show for Thanksgiving dinner with your family, there’s a strong possibility he’s…

5 – If he doesn’t make an effort to have a relationship with your young children and has never introduced you to his, chances are…

6 – If you haven’t met any of the women in his family except his cousin “Karen”, you’re probably not the one. Meeting his father and brothers mean absolutely nothing because they meet anyone and everyone, including the mistresses.

7 – You can’t visit him or call him at home. You only have guest privileges at the “honeycomb hideout.”  In this case, he could be very much into you, the problem is he’s probably just a tad bit more into his wife.

Think ladies.  Think hard and long. Listen to the people who love you the most not only in regards to your relationship but also theirs because experience is truly the best teacher, even if it isn’t your own. Most importantly, listen closely and take heed to the voice many of us only hear at bedtime just before falling asleep because that voice is your truth and should never be ignored.